I love the Grammys.  Why?  Because not only do the Grammys occassionally get it right and award
the genuinely best artist or song, but the Grammys are always off the chart on unintentional comedy.  Some of the artists they pair up are priceless.  So, this year, Adriene and I kept a log of our running commentary while watching it.

8:00pm
 J: So I guess Jon Stewart isn't the host this year.  I miss Jon Stewart.  He always had that "uncomfortable humor" thing.  You know, where he tells a joke and you don't know if it went over well or not?

8:01pm
J: Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel doing "Sounds of Silence".  So what exactly has Art Garfunkel doing for the last 20 years?
 
A:  Hoping for this moment.

J: Yeah, I guess the "solo" thing didn't fly very well for either of them

A:  Um, "Graceland?"

J:  Oh, yeah.

J:  I remember listening to this song on my parents tapes when I was like, four.

A:  I wasn't alive then.

J:  *shudder*

8:05 pm
J: Ed Bradley is featured musician?  Did he remix a single when I wasn't looking?

A: Pat Monohan?  Where's the rest of Train?

8:06 pm
J: Oh, so Dustin Hoffman is the host?  I can't wait to see him drop some funny jokes.

A: I'm already bored.  Oh wait, there is no host.

8:09
J:  No Doubt playing "Hellagood"

A:  Ever notice how their guitarist is looking more and more like a homeless guy?

J:  Hey, at least the drummer is wearing pants.

A:  Ten bucks Gwen's coat comes off....

J: ADRIENE WINS TEN DOLLARS!

A:  The dummer is wearing pants, but he's also wearing a brassiere.

J:  He's almost more dressed than Gwen.  At least there are pants.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!  NO DOUBT AND THE HANGING ROPE DANCERS!

No awards for us to give out yet.  Somehow I doubt Gwen will win "MOST UNDRESSING ON STAGE" award before the night is through.... but the drummer might.

8:13
J:  Lou Reed and David Grohl presenting an award.   "Best Pop Song by duo or group w/ vocal"
No Doubt for "Rock Steady"

A:  No, the drummer isn't wearing pants....

J:  He's NOT??

A:  Well, they aren't showing him on the screen.  You draw your own conclusion.

8:20
J: Norah Jones performing.  I have nothing to heckle about this performance.  How disapointing.

Justin Timberlake and Kylie Minogue giving away
Best Pop Vocal Album: Norah Jones: Come Away With Me

J:  Wouldn't it be great if Justin Timberlake had to give Britney Spears the award?

A:  No such luck. Well,  I can't complain, Norah Jones wins the award.

J:  Yeah, she actually has talent.

8:28
Faith Hill performing

A:  Isn't this a cover of an Angie Aparo song?

J:  Good grief, could that dress be any shorter?

A:  Don't bend your knees, Faith!

8:37
A: Paul Schaffer.... looking like something out of the "The Matrix meets Austin Powers"

J: Vanessa Carlton performing  Thousand Miles.  I think as far as the "singer-songwriter-playing-piano" aritsts go, I liked Norah Jones better, but hey, at least we're getting young women with musical talent this year.

A:  Her voice kind of sounds like a nine year old's.

J:  John Mayer from the ATL performing "Your Body is a Wonderland"

A: Ah, a song about gettin' it on.

J:  I wonder how many times he's performed the night before or after we've been at Eddie's Attic or
Smith's Olde Bar and we didn't even know who he was?

Now it's James Taylor and Yo Yo Ma performing "Sweet Baby James."  What's with all the musical talent on stage this year?  Where's N'Sync?

A:  Thankfully, in their seats.

My dad just couldn't bring himself to like Taylor because he's a UNC grad.

Hey, look it's Bono!  No wait, it's just Robin Williams

8:47.
Kim Catrell and P. Diddy.  Nominee for "MOST UNCOMFORTABLE COUPLE ON STAGE"
Best Male Pop Vocal: John Mayer: Your Body Is A Wonderland.

Best Rap Album:  Emienem: The Eminem Show

Eminem is the first nominee for "BIGGEST POSSE ON STAGE"  Posse Count: 7

J:  Great.  Now that song is going to be stuck in my head all day tommorrow.

A:  What's up the the geeky white guy in the back?

8:52
J: Jars of Clay wins for "The Eleventh Hour" for Best Gospel Pop album.  Is it just me or have they become a critic's darling _after_ their best selling debut album?

8:56
J: Queen Latifah introducing country artist Dixie Chicks performing Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide"
Thank goodness it's not Stevie Nicks singing it.

A:  Natalie is looking more and more like Anna Nicole Smith as she gets older.

J:  Minus quite a few pounds.  This is no fun.  All the performances have been understated and shockingly tasteful.

9:01
Best Country Album: Home: Dixie Chicks

J:  Are they planning it out so artists peform right before they win the award?
    Can't really argue with the winner, though it might have been nice to see one of the
"old school" country artists like Dolly Parton or Willie Nelson take home the award.

J:  Peter Gabriel looking more and more like Phil Collins each day.  It's getting harder and
harder to tell them apart.  I guess Genesis could go on a reunion tour and nobody would know
which lead singer they've got.

A:  Peter Gabriel looks like a short imp with no neck?

9:10 
J: New York Philharmonic performing a selection from West Side Story.  How many times do you get to see Nelly and The New York Philharmonic in the same building?

Now Coldplay is playing with the Philharmonic, playing "Politik"

J:  Chris Martin is a freak

A:  Well, you have do something interesting if you're playing piano.

J:  Why exactly did they show a screen shot of Godsmack immediately after Coldplay's performance?  They don't strike me as guys who would be asking for backstage passes to a Coldplay concert....

9:26
Harvey Firestein and Rod Stewart.  DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER!  Harvey Firestein wins the "LOOKS MOST LIKE MAMA CASS" award.  This is definitely another candidate for "MOST UNCOMFORTABLE COUPLE"

Best Spoken Word/Comedy Award:  Robin Williams

J:  Thank goodness, finally a funny acceptance speech!

Bust-a-rhymes and Jamie Lynn Sigler introducing Avril LeVigne

A:  Tony Soprano would pop a cap in his ass if Busta touches her.

Oh, it's Ar-vil La-Verg-nee!!

J:  I love the outfits.  They look like they found their tuxedos at the Salvation Army.

Oh, good.  Nelly, Eminem, and N'Sync are still to come!

A: Oh, Hell.

J:We haven't had nearly enough ammunition to be funny.  You can only work with what they give you.

J:  You have a potty-mouth.

A: Not all the time.

A:  Hooray!  Coldplay won for Best Rock Performance by a group or duo for "In My Place"

9:42
J: Nelly with Kelly Rowland:  Thank goodness, finally someone wearing some gold!

A:  With requisite skank-ho's in the background.

J:  What?  No retro NBA jerseys?  If it's good enough for LeBron.....

   Oh, here comes Kelly Rowland...

A:  First we get the sexy side, now it's time for the sensitive side.

J:  I'm not impressed.  This kind of stuff goes on in Buckhead every weekend.

A:  Return of the Skank-hos!

J:  This switching back and forth between the two songs is kind of like when Gollum is switching back and forth between his "nice" and "mean" side.  It's kind of unsettling.

9:47
J: Eve and Fred Durst announcing Best Hard Rock Performance

A:  Eve could kick his butt.

J:  I'd pay to see that.

A:  "Who drank my apple juice???"

J:  "This war should go away as soon as possible?"  I didn't know it had started yet.  Deep Politicial Commentary by Fred Durst.  "Duh. War is bad."

Hard Rock Performance:  Foo Fighters  "All My Life"

No please no!  Don't let System of A Down win!

A:  Yay!  The Foo Fighters win.

J:  It's Dave Grohl's world.  We're just living in it.

9:56
J:  It's Bono, uh, Robin Williams introducing Mr. Springstreet, uh, Mr. Springsteen.   I feel like it's 1986 all over again.

A:  When are they going to give Little Steven his own microphone.  He keeps having to share one.

J:  Don't you hear his voice?  That's why.  Sounds like Bob Dylan on a bad day.

10:03
Erica Badu, BB King and Pat Monohan.

A:  What?  No hat for Erica?

J:  I was looking forward to awarding the "MOST OUTRAGEOUS HAT" award, but it looks like Erica will have to settle for the "MOST INEFFECTIVE USE OF THE TELEPROMPTER" award.

A:  Or the least effective use of the razor.

J:  Writer Jesse Harris wins Song of the Year for "Don't Know Why" .  That's the fourth award related to Norah Jones so far.

A:  Put your arms down Erica!

J:  Looks like Screamin' and Hollerin' the Blues walked away with a scad of awards.

J:  Best Rock Gospel Album goes to Third Day for Come Together.  Looks like they actually showed up at the Grammys, too!

A:  Maybe we should ask Spencer if we can go next door and see it.

J:  "Hi.  Mr. Powell  We're your next door neighbors' friends.  Mind if we drop by and ogle at your awards?"

10:14   Kevin James and Ja Rule introducing Ashanti.  I guess Kevin James gets TV time because
he's on CBS.  I can't imagine what other musican connection he has.

A: Ashanti apparently doesn't believe in slips.

J:  Nonetheless, she's not eligible for "MOST UNDRESSING ON STAGE" .  Check out the bling-bling on her hand.  Can't believe Gwen is still the front-runner for this award this late into the evening.

A:  What a feat of lyrical writing.  "Dreams are all you have to do." over and over.

10:23
Ed Bradley introduces a tribute to the Bee Gees by N'Sync.

J:  Doesn't Justin Timberlake look like he's just waiting for the right moment to bolt that band?

A:  Either that or he's looking for Kylie Minogue to ask if he can grab her butt again.

J:  They're looking a little old to be adored by 13 year olds.  I mean, it's kind of like dreaming of your older brothers' oldest friend.

A:  Yeah, if your oldest brother is 30.

J:  Hey at least there's no synchronized dancing.

A:  Yeah, "How Deep Is Your Love" is hard to bust a move to.  Thankfully, the medley is under five minutes.

10:28
J: Barry and Robin Gibb win the Lifetime Achievement award.

10:37
J: William DaFoe introduces Eminem with The Roots

J:  Free Yayo?  What does that mean?

A:  Maybe it's Nelly's brother in jail...

J: This must be the more mature, softer Eminem.  He hasn't flipped the crowd off yet.
Oh, but he does drop the F-bomb!

10:43
Aretha Franklin and Bonnie Raitt.  I don't know what to say about Artetha's dress, but Harvey Firestone's award for "LOOKS MOST LIKE MAMA CASS" might be in danger.

A:  She looks like the Fairy Godmother from the Wizard of Oz.

J:  Or the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella.

Record of the Year: Don't Know Why: Norah Jones

A:  That's six for Norah Jones.

10:52
Vince Vaughan:  Why hasn't he been in anything funny since Swingers?
Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock

J:  Kid Rock?  Who thought of pairing these two together?

Cindy Lauper and Alicia Keyes.  Easily wins our "BEST DRESSED PAIR" award.

A:  The best thing Cindy Lauper ever did was playing Ira's ex-wife on "Mad About You"

J:  The Best New Artist Award

A:  Ah, the "Kiss of Death" award.  Winners of this award don't fare well for long term careers.

J:  Except for the aforementioned Sheryl Crow.  Wow, Norah Jones is just cleaning up tonight.
Thank goodness for the seven second delay censors.

11:10
J:  Oh boy, it's getting late.... way past our bedtime.

J:  Bruce Springteen, Elvis Costello, David Grohl, and Little Steven doing a tribute to The Clash with "London Calling"
Pretty cool.

11:22
Michelle Branch, Elvis Costello, and Peter Gabriel announcing Album of the Year

Well, I guess we have to give some awards now:

Hmm. I liked Bootsy Collins' outfit, so I'll give him MOST EFFECTIVE USE OF BLING

A: Missy Elliot had that light-up Adidas sweatsuit.

J:  Oh yeah, good call.  Nobody really dominated the MOST FACE TIME on the camera.  Though there
were a scad of shots of Natalie from the Dixie Chicks.  The shot of her standing and cheering after
Eminem's "Lose Yourself" was pretty funny.

A:  Norah Jones takes Album of the Year!  Good grief, she's absolutely ran away with the night.

J:  Maybe that's why the awards night has seemed very understated.  No J. Lo, No Mariah, No Destiny's Child.  No Backstreet Boys.  No Britney Spears.  All singers ripe for our mockery. Just a very, very calm awards ceremony.  It's hard to get good laughs when no one is doing stupid stuff.  No long acceptance speeches with music cutting them off.  No singers acting like cheap strippers.  No rappers living large. No one making stupid political statements.  Oh well, I guess talent actually took center stage this year.